A fearful heart

Have you ever had a moment when you knew that God was speaking directly to you?  I had one of those moments and then some today.

I've had a really heavy heart as of late and I couldn't put my finger on it because 1) I wasn't really trying to 2) I didn't want to acknowledge the underlying cause of my heavy heart because that would mean admitting something was wrong 3) Admitting that something is wrong also means admitting something needs to be fixed.  There have been a lot of posts on blogs I love that have been pulling at me, but I wasn't sure why: guarding your mouth and your heartsome poignant thoughts on worry, and survival mode as a military wife.  (Now I know none of these things seem related, but bare with me)

One of the things that growing up in a military family, and being a military wife has taught me is that we are never in control of anything.  Of course we all know that, but the military I think is God's everyday reminder of this to me, as I struggle hugely with handing over control.  I have been really anxious about a lot of things lately, which I think is normal considering my circumstances.  But here is the thing, what I realized is that it's more than anxiety.  It is me not willing to unleash control and give it to God.  It is me having a fearful and selfish heart, it is me having a lack of faith.

Yes, I am afraid every day for my husband and all of the men and women serving and their families.  But that fear is really a lack of faith in God.

Yes, I am afraid that flight school is going to change our lives in very huge ways.  But that is a fear that I will have to give control, alot of it, over to God.

Yes, I am afraid that I may not be a good teacher, or that I may not be able to get a job right away.  But that is a lack of faith and giving my heart and desires over to God.

How I figured this out, or how He spoke to me today:  I had a terrifying moment with the dogs on a walk.  It was a short walk, after dinner ... and I completely lost it.  Clover was pulling on the leash, and Jazzy was going all over the place as usual, and I had a complete fit of rage.  I scared myself.  I know to some of you this will seem even funny, but it's one of those moments where I seriously wondered if I would ever be able to be a parent, let alone teach.  A moment where I didn't recognize myself.  A moment where I wish someone could put me in time out.

And you know what?  It had nothing to do with the dogs, it had everything to do with where my heart has been for a very long time.

On my way back to campus tonight for a meeting, there was a brief message on Air 1 talking about what  your glass is filled with and what you're pouring out.  And you know what one of the first questions was?  Are you pouring out joy or rage?  Faith or resentment?  Wow.  Hello.

{via here}

I've been pouring out a lot of rage, a lot of complaints and a lot of resentment.  I have been in an ugly form of survival mode, because I have been too ashamed to share my heart and what is really going on.  Granted, I think some of this fear has been reinforced by thoughtless comments from friends like, "I don't understand why you think about it (the deployment, any number of things that could wrong on the deployment, etc.), it's what you guys signed up for", but you know there is really only one Friend I really need to understand my plight.  And if my heart were in a better place I would realize that my friends just aren't used to me being so open about what's going on and they aren't sure how to react or what to say or how to be the one to comfort me, instead of the other way around.  

Whew.  With that said I am poured out.  I think it's time to start fixing my heart and to start being more honest with the people I love.  If I want to be sad or scared for a day I can be, and then I can give it to God.  No more anxiety.  No more ugly gossip.   No more ugly survival mode.


Kelly said...

Thank you Summer for sharing your heart! Even though you did choose this road it's still a scary one to walk. I don't think I could do it. But like you said God knows where He's leading you, He's got only the best planned for you. He will bless your obedience of trusting. He really will. And it will be way beyond anything you could've thought it would be. I'll be praying for you & Marshall.

Jami said...

AMEN!!!!! I wrote Joel a letter last night about similar things, here is the qoute i started my letter out with: The resting place of the mind is the heart. the only thing the mind hears all day i clanging of bells and noise and argument, and all it wants is quietude. the only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. that's where you need to go. From Eat Pray Love, chapter on Pray

Shira said...

Summer, this post is incredible. And so are you.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Thomas at a Glance said...

Thank you for sharing what was on your heart. I can't immagine what it is like and although I can't relate to your circumstances I can tell you that I have struggled with some of the same principles. Having faith is something that I struggle with because I like to be in control! I will be praying for you!!

I also have a good book if you are interested that has really helped me. It's called Calm my anxious heart. Sometimes I just read it for a refresher. :)

summer said...

thank you everyone for your thoughtful and encouraging comments, you helped make it even easier to give it over. Jami- I am currently reading that book and I am consistently struck by her prowess over words, what an incredible and intuitive writer-I really want to read Committed and see how her perceptions have changed. Christy- definitely interested in borrowing the book, I'll FB you and good to know that I am not the only one who struggles, big time, with this!

Andrea @ Knitty Bitties said...

Wow! My eyes are full on my heart is overjoyed :). Not in your sorrow, anger or helplessness, but in knowing YOU know where the ultimate source of peace and control is. It's not an easy thing to turn over control because we're afraid of what God might allow us to walk through. We think we know best. It's a hard lesson and one I think everyone is working on fully grasping.

I was watching something this week that said rage comes from a place of helplessness. I had never thought of that, but it makes so much sense.

I love you so and am so encouraged by this ... praying for you and Marshall and knowing you're going to have a great adventure ahead!

P.S. I have Calm My Anxious Heart. It's probably one of the top 3 bible studies I've ever done. I'll bring it Monday night :).

Princess Jessie Pants said...

Wow Summer. Thanks for sharing your heart!! My eyes are filled with tears, not because of your trials, but because of where you are grounding your faith. You are so brave to share this - and I'm overjoyed that God has His hand solidly in your life. Praying for you & Marshall as you weather this storm. Much loves to you!!

summer said...

thank you all so much for the supportive comments, this post wasn't easy but it was important for me to write and put my heart out there. God is good and we're working it out on a daily basis.